It’s the magical time of year in which we kick back, enjoy some Halloween treats, disembowel a few pumpkins, and if we’re very lucky, answer the door… like a thousand times. As our homes turn into a revolving nightmare of shoveling candy into little plastic bags held by children. For those of us that are great big adults, Halloween may have lost some of its luster. There are just some things that you can’t do for the holiday when you’re all grown up, and today we’re gonna throw five of ’em at you. Enjoy!
5 Halloween treats only for kids
This is the most fundamental aspect of the holiday that you totally, absolutely are not allowed to do anymore. Seriously, don’t even consider hitting the streets, plastic pumpkin in tow, looking for sweet treats from your neighbors.
Okay, look, if you’ve got a few kids—or maybe one that you can borrow from a sibling, or something—you might be able to take them out trick-or-treating and then steal all of their candy at the end of the night. Kids aren’t super into candy, or anything, so they probably won’t even notice when you take it.
Just make sure to hide the wrappers, or the jig is up.
Dress up in rad costumes
Yeah, absolutely not. No way. Costumes are for children and everybody knows that. In fact, do they even make costumes for adults anymore? Don’t look it up because we’re pretty sure they don’t.
You might get a wild hair and consider fashioning your own costume. This is also a huge mistake. If you do then you’re sure to be the butt of many jokes for years to come when all of your friends are enjoying the holiday in their three-piece suits and fashionable silk scarves while you’re dressed up like some kinda doofus in a skeleton costume or whatever.
On the other hand, if you’re staying home, onesie pajamas are totally fine. Possibly encouraged? Hard to say.
Enjoy a nice party with your pals
Adults just do not socialize on October 31st. No get-togethers, no shindigs, no hootenannies. Don’t rabble-rouse, don’t be a ne’er-do-well, and DEFINITELY don’t try to have any amount of fun on any conceivable level.
We’re serious about this and we’ll know if you’re having fun. We will put an end to it, and you won’t like it. Save us all some time and some trouble and stay home, turn on the news, and fall asleep in your recliner like a good adult.
Watch scary movies
Scary movies? In October? Now you’re just being absurd. I mean, really—we all know that spooky films are best enjoyed closer to Christmas. A roaring fire, some halloween treats, a little Sinatra on the stereo and whichever Elm Street film is your favorite! This is how normal people normally do a normal Halloween. Trust us.
Get absolutely hammered and regret every decision you’ve ever made
Right, okay, children don’t drink. That’s illegal. Forget that one. If you’re an adult, you might actually consider heading out to grab a few drinks with your pals to celebrate this holiday most hallowed. Just don’t let any minors get drunk—there are some pretty hefty laws associated with that, and we don’t want any of you to get in trouble.
Okay, there you go! Boom! The five things that only kids can do on All Hallows’ Eve—aside from the last one, which they can’t do, but you can absolutely do if you’re an adult. Hope you enjoyed our completely serious, non-facetious take on the wonderful holiday that is Halloween! Stay safe out there and enjoy some halloween treats while you are at it.