The Sloshed Know-It-All
These folks are, without a doubt, some of the most obnoxious people known to mankind. We’ve all met them, too! Once everybody starts getting a tad tipsy, they become the dreaded “couch coaches”!
These people are CONVINCED that a six pack of Bud has turned them into a professional football couch. They’ll shout decisions at the television, but also use their spare time to rant at anybody unfortunate enough to be caught in their vortex of drunken rage about how their team SHOULD be playing.
The Stat Cruncher
These are like the min/max MMO nerds of the football universe. Odds are these guys have their own fantasy league, football or baseball, and they’ll feel free to rattle off every QB’s average passing yards per game or every MLB prospect’s batting average, listed in alphabetical order, ascending or descending.
The problem is, of course, that you don’t care. You don’t care and there’s no way you’ll ever care, and all you can do is drink and drink and drink and hope that they shut their pie holes some day.
The Chicken Littles
These are your standard doomsday, “the sky is falling” lunatics condensed down into pure sports form. They’re negative Nancys, and they will stop at nothing to rain on your parade—particularly if you happen to share a favorite team! They’ll wade in their sorrow all across the living room ’til you’re ready to shove them off of a very tall building.
Disclaimer: if you’re a fan of the Tennessee Titans, nobody will fault you for being a negative Nancy. We’re so, so sorry—and we want you to know that we love you, and we’ll always be here for you when the Titans aren’t. So… just… always. Forever.
The Mega Tailgating Psychopath
Tailgating is okay. Let’s get that out of the way. I’m not super into it because I’m not in college or dating a frat boy, but I won’t knock the concept entirely.
But we all know that too much is too much, and there is a line that should not be crossed. Cook a few burgers, enjoy some beers by your truck—but if you’re showing up at 10 AM on game day and sitting outside the stadium with a king-size grill, a dozen portable televisions and somehow a full couch, you need to cool your jets, buddy.
The Impossible Optimist
Look, I respect anybody that can look on the bright side after like five uncontested touchdowns, but there’s a pretty thick line between optimistic and downright delusional. If your team’s already packing up on the sidelines in the second quarter, it’s time to stop painting your chest and accept that some games just aren’t meant to be won. By you, I mean. The other team will still win, obviously.
The Half-Time Celebrity Fan
I haven’t met many folks like this, but the ones that I have are just… actual monsters.
We all love celebrities. Some celebrities, anyway. Actors, musicians, whatever. But if you sit through like six hours of pre-game, game and post-game JUST to fawn over the halftime show, you need professional help. Please get help. Also like, man, if you’re really banking on another Justin Timberlake wardrobe malfunction, maybe just… wait and see if it pops up on YouTube?
That’s that! Six of the worst football fans to ever walk the earth. These people are scourges and should be treated as such. Unless they’re really good friends, or maybe your family—in which case you’re just gonna have to tolerate them through another Super Bowl Sunday.
Enjoy your game day, and make sure to drink responsibly!